"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."

Emo Philips

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."

Emo Philips

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"I prefer someone who burns the flag and then wraps themselves up in the Constitution over someone who burns the Constitution and then wraps themselves up in the flag."

"I prefer someone who burns the flag and then wraps themselves up in the Constitution over someone who burns the Constitution and then wraps themselves up in the flag."

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia."

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia."

- Charles M. Schulz

"Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!"

"Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!"

"Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most."

"Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most."

- Ozzy Osbourne

"If you love something set it free, but don't be surprised if it comes back with herpes."

"If you love something set it free, but don't be surprised if it comes back with herpes."

- Chuck Palahniuk

"How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand."

"How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand."

"Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away."

"Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away."

- Benjamin Franklin

"Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world."

"Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world."

"According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog."

"According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog."

"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."

"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."

"Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood."

"Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood."

"All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height."

"All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height."

- Casey Stengel

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling o

"I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass."

- David Lee Roth

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this o

"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"

- Abraham Lincoln

You cannot be anything if you want to be every

"You cannot be anything if you want to be everything."

- Solomon Schechter

Be careful about reading health books. You may

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."

I can't understand why a person will take a ye

"I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars."

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot

"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."

If you're going to tell people the truth, be f

"If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you."

Most people would sooner die than think; in fa

"Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so."

- Bertrand Russell

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and

"A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours."

You've got to be very careful if you don't kno

"You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you are going, because you might not get there."

Always remember that you are absolutely unique

"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."

- Margaret Mead

If you're going to do something tonight that y

"If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late."

- Henny Youngman

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