"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"The road to success is always under construction."
"If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out."
"The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on."
"A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished."
"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt."
"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"
"The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time."
"The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."
"Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal."
"Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed."
"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
"All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening."
"War is God's way of teaching Americans geography."
"It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads."
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
"At every party there are two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other."
"If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else."
"Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too."
"How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand."
"Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know."
"I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time."
"Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment."
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
"I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you."
"I'm in shape. Round is a shape."
"I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife).. but still my own."
"People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily."
"My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition."
"The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper."
"The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward."
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