"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"The road to success is always under construction."
"If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out."
"The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on."
"A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished."
"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt."
"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"
"The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time."
"The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."
"Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal."
"Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed."
"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
"All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening."
"War is God's way of teaching Americans geography."
"It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads."
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
"At every party there are two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other."
"If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else."
"Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too."
"If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?"
"All my life I've wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought."
"One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"If any of you cry at my funeral I'll never speak to you again."
"You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try.'"
"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
"When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife."
"Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat."
"Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake."
"People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do."
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