"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"The road to success is always under construction."
"If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out."
"The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on."
"A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished."
"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt."
"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"
"The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time."
"The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."
"Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal."
"Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed."
"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
"All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening."
"War is God's way of teaching Americans geography."
"It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads."
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
"At every party there are two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other."
"If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else."
"Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too."
"Leave something for someone but dont leave someone for something."
"Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know."
"All men are equal before fish."
"The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly."
"If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity."
"The secret of the demagogue is to make himself as stupid as his audience so they believe they are clever as he."
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."
"If you lived with a roommate as unstable as this economic system, you would've moved out or demanded that your roommate get professional help."
"Man has his will, but woman has her way."
"Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first."
"Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired."
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