"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"The road to success is always under construction."
"If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out."
"The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on."
"A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished."
"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt."
"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"
"The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time."
"The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."
"Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal."
"Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed."
"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
"All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening."
"War is God's way of teaching Americans geography."
"It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads."
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
"At every party there are two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other."
"If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else."
"Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too."
"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."
"Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday."
"Haters are just confused admirers because they can't figure out the reason why everyone loves you."
"Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard."
"Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times."
"Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'"
"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained."
"I'd rather have 1% of the effort of 100 men than 100% of my own effort."
"One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor."
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